A week ago I had my friend and her girlfriend, who’s also my friend, over to celebrate her birthday. Well, her birthday was over a month ago. But still it’s the thought that counts, right? Anyway my friend loves to draw and always has a sketchbook with her. I told her that I wanted to study art and she asked me how long has it been since I’ve drawn something. I told her I haven’t really been drawing except during my boring lectures at university, some abstracts, some patterns and swans for some reason. Just drawing whatever comes to mind, but nothing serious. When she went ”aw”, like “poor thing”, I felt weird. Had I been avoiding it, this gift that has given me a chance to express myself.  She gave me her book, and said, “Here, draw”. I felt the peer pressure and drew a woman in her sketchbook, something safe. In a way I hated and loved the attention I got for my drawings. I splurged myself in the positive feedback, and became somewhat addicted and defined my confidence by it. But it was also unwanted attention; I didn’t get peace to enjoy what I was doing. People would look over my shoulder, and when I worked in kindergartens they always wanted pictures I drew for myself. I was happy to make drawings for them, but people expect things from you. I’ve tried to get away from drawing realistically because that’s what people want me to draw. I’ve been scared. I’ve been scared of people’s opinions, thinking they might prevent me from going my own way.  People have already expressed scepticism to my constant change of career path. It has made me insecure and I’ve doubted my capabilities. I fear they will be disappointed, that I can’t live up to what they want for me. I know I should not pay attention to them, but I do. Most people I know have started their educations, and are soon finishing their bachelors. It’s just I love doing so many different things, and its hard to decide what to dedicate most of your life to. I’m starting to find my path. Nothing is certain, that’s life. But I’m going to try finding my passion again.

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