For many years I thought I was dead. I didn’t live the life I was meant to. When you’re a child you have no control of what’s going to happen to you. And growing up with a psychopath doesn’t exactly leave your mental state very stable. I was depressed, anorexic, suicidal and I self-harmed myself. I’ve been through most of the mental “illnesses”. A lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about psychological issues, and a lot don’t like to hear what is the reality for some people. I think people need to know. I’ve struggled for most of my life feeling I’ve been carrying a dark secret, a secret that society doesn’t like to talk about. Mine was being a victim of physical and emotional abuse. I don’t like being pitied it kind of makes me angry, because by pitying me you make me a victim. And I’m not a victim. I found the courage to fight the injustice I was put through, and fight through the depression that came as a result of it.
While going to therapy a “friend” asked me, “Aren’t you going stop seeing your therapist soon? You seem fine” That’s when I found out that many still think depression is a disease, and a disease has a cure. Depression has no cure. You can look for it forever, but you’ll never find one. I’ve tried so many things, I’ve tried pills, I thought that if I just got a super best friend that it would solve it, or if I got a boyfriend or if I became a yoga teacher, the list goes on and on. A cure doesn’t exist. It’s like starting from scratch; you have to find out who you are, what you like, and what you want in life. Being purely egocentric, not letting the depression and emptiness take control. When you are in control of yourself, realizing you can’t change those around you, you start to mend the acing holes in your heart.
When I finally finished high school I realized I was actually in charge of my own life, I could do whatever I wanted. Nobody had the power to suppress me anymore. I kind of felt invincible, I had already reach bottom. What else could happen to me now? I guess I was a bit bold in the beginning, because I didn’t think of the consequences. I didn’t mind if something happened to me that would take my life. I never thought about growing old, doing what grownups do. I never thought life would be bearable. But reality has hit me, hard. By experiencing my grandfather die from cancer, my best friend and my substitute-dad, has in a way given me a lot of respect for death. Time is short, and personally I want to live it to the fullest. I just want to live my life, the way I want to live it.