For many years I thought I was dead. I didn’t live the life I was meant to.  When you’re a child you have no control of what’s going to happen to you. And growing up with a psychopath doesn’t exactly leave your mental state very stable.  I was depressed, anorexic, suicidal and I self-harmed myself. I’ve been through most of the mental “illnesses”. A lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about psychological issues, and a lot don’t like to hear what is the reality for some people. I think people need to know. I’ve struggled for most of my life feeling I’ve been carrying a dark secret, a secret that society doesn’t like to talk about. Mine was being a victim of physical and emotional abuse.  I don’t like being pitied it kind of makes me angry, because by pitying me you make me a victim. And I’m not a victim. I found the courage to fight the injustice I was put through, and fight through the depression that came as a result of it.

While going to therapy a “friend” asked me, “Aren’t you going stop seeing your therapist soon? You seem fine” That’s when I found out that many still think depression is a disease, and a disease has a cure. Depression has no cure. You can look for it forever, but you’ll never find one. I’ve tried so many things, I’ve tried pills, I thought that if I just got a super best friend that it would solve it, or if I got a boyfriend or if I became a yoga teacher, the list goes on and on. A cure doesn’t exist. It’s like starting from scratch; you have to find out who you are, what you like, and what you want in life. Being purely egocentric, not letting the depression and emptiness take control. When you are in control of yourself, realizing you can’t change those around you, you start to mend the acing holes in your heart.

When I finally finished high school I realized I was actually in charge of my own life, I could do whatever I wanted. Nobody had the power to suppress me anymore. I kind of felt invincible, I had already reach bottom. What else could happen to me now? I guess I was a bit bold in the beginning, because I didn’t think of the consequences. I didn’t mind if something happened to me that would take my life. I never thought about growing old, doing what grownups do. I never thought life would be bearable. But reality has hit me, hard. By experiencing my grandfather die from cancer, my best friend and my substitute-dad, has in a way given me a lot of respect for death. Time is short, and personally I want to live it to the fullest. I just want to live my life, the way I want to live it.

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5 thoughts on “L for Live, L for Life

  1. I enjoy reading your blog! Its quite admirable of you to speak out loud of your previous depressions. I hope its better now. However, I think its more common than many of us think. I was in therapy for two years for my depression. I never spoke to anyone about it. Everyone thought my life was perfect, but behind the walls there are scars, which I still struggle with. Especially not many think that guys can struggle with depression and to talk about it is even harder.

  2. Thank you! I’m very glad to know this. Things are much better. I still struggle with accepting the fact that I have to “make it” on my own, it can make you a bit lonely.
    I’m very happy you shared this. I think people who go through depressions must know that they’re not alone in this struggle, that there are others who can relate to what we’re feeling.
    I hope the depression has lost its toll on you and that you’re feeling better.

  3. You are a talented writer. Maybe a career you can pursue?

    Yeah I understand you. There are often days I wonder what the meaning with this life is. Why do I study..why do I go to work..sometimes I think it is more struggle than it is worth.. The hardest part is that it is not much understanding in the community. Everyone needs to be perfect nowadays.

    Life is often a fight, but it can also be bloody great;-)

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