My Reality

I’ve fought hard to get to where I am now, but sometimes I think how great it would be not having to fight anymore. A lot of people which I try to keep out of my life follow me like ghosts, and contact me whenever they feel like it, making me feel baffled and shocked over their next move.

My dad contacted me the day I got accepted to go to art school, I was so happy earlier and then very surprised to se him leaving me a message in my inbox on Facebook. I haven’t seen him in two years, and the last time he tried to contact me was in March, when my sister told me he had gotten married and that I now have a baby brother (who’s now 6 months I think). I told him to go to hell. This time he wrote something stupid like “Accept this kind request and my wish is to follow whatever you say attentively. Sincerely, the loony” After consulting my older sister we decided to ask for the money he promised to give us 5 months ago. He answered me by writing one of his stupid jokes and said because I had been acting badly I wouldn’t get anything, but my younger sister would. Right there he was saying ‘I had no right to be upset that my 60 year old father didn’t tell me I’ve got a brother or that he got married’. I told him he could go to hell and that he wasn’t my father or my other sister’s father, and that I have a new one. I told him to never write to me again, never. He seems to have this amazing ability to fuck you over when you least expect it. I’m done with that, I don’t want his money, and he’s never helped me out with anything financially. I helped me out, and it was our mother that provided for us when we were children. He’s so greedy. When my sisters met him in Norway one of them asked him: is it hard taking care of the baby? He laughed and said: Yes, for her (his wife)…

Do you trust?

During this stressy exam time of the year I’m actually quite at ease with everything. I’ve met wonderful people here in Valencia, but it took some time finding them. Going abroad you’re very open to meeting new people, some want to be themselves and others want to show themselves from their best side. In the beginning I thought I met some people I could trust, that turned out to blow up in my face, but I feel I’ve learnt something from it all. I’m very open about stuff so most people know me, I’m honest and always myself with every mood that that entails. If I’m upset you can definitely see it on my body language.

One girl told me to never tell anything personal to anybody, because you can’t trust anyone. But I personally want to trust people and at least give them a chance, though people don’t always act the way they’re supposed to.  You get disappointed, but you learn that that person wasn’t supposed to be your friend, you move on and find others who are much better, because you deserve it! There’s no use hoping that someone will change for you, they will only change when they want to.

One birthday and a dead grandmother

My birthday was the 22nd of November, like it is each year. This year while turning 21 my grandmother died. Am I sad? The answer is no. The truth is I only met her twice in my life, once when I was a baby and she taught me how to walk, which I did on my first birthday. The second time was two years ago when I travelled alone to Peru to meet my family, for what felt to me like the first time.  I think she loved seeing me again, but the more I learned about my family the more I learned about why my father became who he is. My grandmother didn’t have a lot of empathy and was very stubborn, like my father.  She didn’t say goodbye to me when I was going back to Norway because I was living with her brother, and they obviously had some unresolved business. I never really liked birthdays anyway. My family has had so many problems that our birthdays were neglected. My mother though always makes the best out of it. She’s always there, my sister too, when the rest of the family doesn’t care. I’m used to not being remembered by my father, he doesn’t bother. I was supposed to be a boy. My last birthday my grandmother gave me a book about a girl that “changed for the better”, and stopped practicing the dangerous art of Yoga and found the way of God. She thinks my travels are dangerous and that I should become a missionary. Because everybody knows that yoga, communism or what ever is sinful. Why can’t family just be supportive?

I wish that someday I will be truly happy for being born, but I guess I’m not there yet. I’ve experienced a lot and I love life now, but the ghosts of my past are still haunting me, and it’s hard to let go and forgive.

Girlism part 2

We used to hide our tampons. (We stopped using towels because it showed too much, or we thought it showed through our pants.) When going to the toilet to change you had to use as little time as possible, so nobody would suspect anything. It was awfully embarrassing dropping a tampon on the floor, in case anybody saw it. We used to put it in our pant-pocket and nonchalant cover it with our hand.  We girls are happy now when we can stop the process entirely and not getting pregnant. I use an Implanon, I can’t say I’m not happy because having menstruation is quite a messy business. One girl in my class told me her mother wanted to celebrate with champagne when she became a woman. In a way I think we deserve a celebration. I think its enough that we have to live up to the standards portrayed in magazines, being skinny, have hairless bodies, volumized luscious hair, pretend we don’t go to the toilet, and hide our womanhood (the fact that we get our periods).

tbc- to be continued

Girlism part1

I have this friend whom I use to discuss different subjects with, subjects or topics that people tend to shy away from. One time we talked about being a woman and why there are so many things we are ashamed of, like for instance our period. She recommended a book called The Red Tent, red representing blood. To be honest I just read the first chapter. It depicted the lives of women of the ancient Jewish tribes, their secrets and knowledge passed from generation to generation. This happened in the women’s tent. In a way it’s still like this today, the different aspects of womanhood are not to be heard by men. We still feel insecure about them knowing and thinking they might dislike us for it. I remember when at school my friends and me would use a codeword for our menstruation, “homework”. Every time one of us had their period we would say we had «homework» while asking for a tampon, if we forgot. My sister cried when she got her period and my mother (when she was younger) dreaded it for a whole year before she got it.

tbc

A desert flower that can never blossom

“Desert flower” is a movie about a model from Somalia. She was the first one to talk to the public about female circumcision. The movie touched me deeply. I cried during a scene where they show her as a three-year-old girl taken by her mother to the woman who cuts, removing her genitals and sewing her up. They didn’t show the exact procedure, but it was horrible seeing the young girl crying and screaming, and the bloodstain covering the rock. All this while her telling us how the birds ate the parts cut off.  After the procedure they sew them up to keep the virgins until their wedding night when the husband cuts them open, and I guess you know the rest. It must be excruciatingly painful. It’s a despicable act robbing women of their womanhood, their right to feel pleasure, and to give birth. We must be grateful for equality, but at the same time not to take it for granted. Not all women are as fortunate as us. Fight injustice against women!

One sex debate

Sometimes at the dinner table we get into heated discussions. This one didn’t end in conflict, because we all agreed on the subject. My sister asked us what party we’re going to vote for this September. My mother didn’t know, but I said I was sick and tired off all the political parties so I’ve decided I’m going to vote for the Environmental Party, The Green. They’re not so popular, but they think about the environment and not themselves. My sister just knew what parties she definitely did not want to vote for, and they were practically all of them.

I used to be a socialist, but now I don’t know. I’m not a big fan of their attitude “everybody has to work, (preferably for the government)”, “you are suppressed if you want to be a stay at home mom”, and “there are no genders, because we’re all the same”. And I find it kind of self-contradictory that they idolise dictators when they claim to fight for democracy. I’m not so fond of the right side of politics either. What the conversation ended up being about was the fact that we women conform ourselves into the behavioural patterns of men. We have to prove we’re equally worthy, that we can do what men can. That we can have high paid jobs and put family making on hold. Most women work in the health sector and those jobs are unfortunately underpaid. And I don’t like that those kinds of jobs get low status. Is striving for success a male thing? And do we all have to want that? If a female quality is caring and nurturing and that represents our sex, then we should be proud of that. We women have reached for the same opportunities as men and that’s been somewhat accepted, and its time to accept and respect what women have done for centuries. Raising children is a job, and it shapes the future of new generations. Caring for others is not a low status thing, it should be equal and be accepted as a career path. I’m very happy to see that men are starting to work in kindergartens and in the hospitals; children need male role models in a non-macho environment and to not grow up in a gender fight. I acknowledge differences between our sexes, but I would like to see the feminine qualities respected to the same extent as men’s. And does the world only need bachelor or master graduates?