En liten appell

Jeg skriver dette mens jeg ser på det slitte huset hvor han slo oss, hvor han låste oss inne…

Hele oppveksten kalte faren min meg for en idiot og fortalte meg at jeg var ubrukelig. Og jeg trodde på det. Etter år med feil valg av menn og mye terapi, traff jeg endelig en som var motsatt av det jeg kjente til fra tidligere. Jeg forsto at jeg er verdt noe selv om faren min sin hånende stemme fortsatt er der. Jeg er lei av å være sint på grunn av alt som har hendt, og vil derfor heller takke de mennene som har forstått at kvinner og menn er likeverdige, som forstår at deres størrelse og styrke ikke er til for å skade og undertrykke, men for å beskytte og verne om kvinnen sin og familien. Det er lett å si, inklusiv for meg selv, at alle menn er drittsekker, men det hadde vært urettferdig å dra alle under en kam. Vi har fortsatt en vei å gå, men la oss heller gå den sammen.

Mvh

Silje P.

 

 

Trust in you

For those of you who’ve read my blog already know about me struggling with family issues. My family members have made it hard for me to trust after being lied to and let down many times, unfortunately I’ve brought this mistrust with me into my friendships and relationships. I’ve yet to find a partner. I must say I’ve been very unfortunate in that department. Some might look at me as a whore that only sleeps around, some whish they could let go and do the same. But that doesn’t really matters, what matters is that I too want to find somebody, I just haven’t come across a person that has made me trust. Most people I’m with open up a lot because I’m very open, for instance about my problems, and I understand. Some people might not talk so openly, as me, about so-called “problems” and keep it to themselves. And when they meet me, who’s also very curious, they open up.

I was talking to a friend to day and we were talking about this, that some people sometimes are desperate to talk to somebody about their issues, and when they meet a person that’s is open and honest they use the situation. I feel I’ve been used as a therapist by many people, and amongst them a lot of boys. In the end I felt like the man who had to listen and be understanding, and not really being listened to. My older sister said to me that I’ve got to ask less questions when I want to get to know people, so that they won’t open up so much. I guess maybe I should change, but I can’t help it, I’m very curious about people and their life, who they are as a person etc. But this has been a problem with every guy I’ve ever met when it gets a little bit serious, and especially when it comes to talking about our lives. They might say: My parents got a divorce. Then I say something about me: I was forced to stay with my dad every other weekend and wasn’t let out of the house until my mother picked me up on Sundays.  (This will be to not freak the person out with the rest of what I could’ve told him). Then they get the confused face, they’re either thinking: what do I say now, should I change the subject? Or “should I say something comforting?”, or they continue talking about themselves. I usually say I don’t need any advice because for me these are facts; it’s not anything I need to talk about.

I’m just tired of feeling used like a therapist. People who’ve actually been through something horrible don’t always want to talk about it or being used as a shrink. People automatically think we’ve got the strength to listen and listen, when sometimes we just need someone to be understanding. What we’ve been through will never leave us; we just have to learn how to live with it for the rest of our lives.

Easter part 2

After my stay in Sevilla I went to Malaga with my Japanese friend. I stayed in Malaga one month in October November, so that’s how we met and she also stayed at my flat during Las Fallas. We saw the procession there too.

I wanted to see Alhambra and get new memories of it, not those of a horrible trip with my father. I went there alone because me friend had already been there three times. It was very nice, I needed to see some nature again, so I walked around and smelled the flowers. After my short stay in Malaga I went to Barcelona to meet my mother. I came early and got time before some friends were arriving.  My mother got there the next day so we ate dinner together after tying to buy tickets to the Barca game. It would have been cool to see.

With my mother we saw La Sagrada familia, which I saw three years ago so it was almost as i remembered it. We visited Parc Güell and Las ramblas and the Gaudí houses. When we arrived in Valencia we were both really tired. But we managed a little shopping trip and La ciudad de las artes. She really wanted to see the university so we did and took some funny pictures. And I wanted her to see the beach and try the Valencian paella.

When I met her at the airport I started crying I was sad and happy at the same time, and I ended up laughing butt he tears didn’t stop. It was weird. I didn’t cry when he left, but I was quite sad. I always leave her and I feel bad that I don’t study my whole bachelor in Norway. I constantly seek outwards and don’t feel comfortable there. But I’m giving it another go only a different university and city this time, maybe it’ll get better….

“Psychotic Girl,

I won’t get lost in your world.”

I’m not saying I’m psychotic. I was referring to this song.

But I won’t say I’m normal either.

Some days ago I passed out on the dance floor.  I took my allergy pill before we had some people over, so I took it in hurry with some beer.  I felt very drowsy, but was fit to go out. (I was nowhere near being drunk)

After talking and listening to music we went to a nightclub at 2 am. In Spain you don’t go dancing before 2 or 3 am.  I didn’t drink at the club, was busy dancing. We went outside in the cold air, and when I got inside again I felt weak. Somebody bumped into me and I fell. I woke up on the floor a minute later. The people I was with helped me and we went outside.  They thought I had been drugged. I was okay straight away, only had a strong headache. It was a bit embarrassing. The only thing I could think of was that I had taken my pill with alcohol. The next day I checked it out on the Internet. It said it should never be taken with alcohol, and that you can feel fatigued. I knew my tablets have some side affects, the pharmacists always tell me that this drug makes you very drowsy. I get my drugs on a prescription, and it’s not for some sneezing during springtime.  I’ve got a chronic illness, its’ called cold urticaria. I usually never tell people about it because no one believes me. I’ve had it for years and I absolutely hate it. Knowing that I have to take a pill when it gets cold. I don’t like taking them and usually I don’t. It’s another thing that makes me feel like I don’t fit in. I hate snow, and minus degrees and I’m from Norway!

I was really scared the next day because I’ve never blacked out before. And I felt ashamed when everybody asked me if I was fine. I can’t stand that question, because usually the answer to that question is “no”. But I lie and pretend everything is fine. I don’t like being pitied. I don’t like when people feel sorry for me, like I don’t know how to take care of myself. Well, newsflash I’ve been doing it most of my life. Not everybody gets to have a sane family.

At least now I can cross blacking out of my “things to experience in life”-list. I don’t feel very normal, but what is normal? And yes, I can be a bit psycho at times…

Finding someone special

I’ve done something I didn’t think I would ever do. Well, I did it out of curiosity. I made a profile on a dating site. I was quite surprised that so many men contacted me. Many of them wrote on their profile that they’re shy, and I figured that it’s hard for them to make the first move. You also got some freaky pervert-people. A 62-year-old man contacted me, and I immediately blocked him. There are some risks, but also a lot to gain. I personally am quite tired of the whole going out thing, with drunk guys hitting on you, trying to hump your leg. Most of the girls I talked to about this subject tell me that they first sleep with a guy then maybe find them on Facebook, add them, chat with them, and then get their phone number so they can meet again. It’s a very long process. People decide for themselves what they want, but I like to do things differently. I’d rather have my integrity intact. I am very direct, some guys like it and others get frightened and feel intimidated. The last part saddens me a bit, because girls should be able to ask a guy out face to face. But it’s their loss, not mine.

My two best friends found each other on the Internet, and they’re very happy together. I don’t know why going online to find someone is still taboo. But I know many use it as a last resort. I must admit I’ve always been a bit sceptical, but I wont just sit on my ass waiting for Prince Charming to come along.

I saw this very funny movie some days ago, its called “What’s your number?”  You see the protagonist going through her exes trying to find her true love, yes that part is a cliché.  In the end she finds out that being in love means being yourself. I think that’s kind of true. A lot of people try to be perfect, something they’re not. You can’t really be anything but you, with the good and the bad. Either they like it or they don’t.