Do you trust?

During this stressy exam time of the year I’m actually quite at ease with everything. I’ve met wonderful people here in Valencia, but it took some time finding them. Going abroad you’re very open to meeting new people, some want to be themselves and others want to show themselves from their best side. In the beginning I thought I met some people I could trust, that turned out to blow up in my face, but I feel I’ve learnt something from it all. I’m very open about stuff so most people know me, I’m honest and always myself with every mood that that entails. If I’m upset you can definitely see it on my body language.

One girl told me to never tell anything personal to anybody, because you can’t trust anyone. But I personally want to trust people and at least give them a chance, though people don’t always act the way they’re supposed to.  You get disappointed, but you learn that that person wasn’t supposed to be your friend, you move on and find others who are much better, because you deserve it! There’s no use hoping that someone will change for you, they will only change when they want to.

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1000 Questions

I usually get many questions about my last name. When people see the name Porturas, and look at me, they never imagine that I’ve got Native American blood. But I do, I’m a white Inca Indian and my father is from the Andes Mountains. When people think about the Andes they usually think that people there live in small huts and are chocolate brown. And when they see me, a blue/green-eyed girl with light brown hair they think it’s impossible that I hail from there. And I have to explain what a mestizo is. “Mestizo is a term traditionally used in Latin America and Spain for people of mixed heritage or descent. In some countries it has come to mean a mixture of European and Amerindian” – Wikipedia

My Spanish descendants come from the Basque country. I found some people in the White pages with my last name. I really want to go and see where I’m from.

Question number one is usually: But your last name doesn’t seem Norwegian.

Answer: No, it’s not. It’s Peruvian.

Q.2: …But you don’t look very Peruvian.

A.2: My father is a mestizo, a mix.

Q.3: Do you speak Spanish fluently?

A.3: No, I don’t. My father didn’t want to teach me.

Q.4: But can’t you talk to him in Spanish?

A.4: I don’t have any contact with him.

Q.5: Why?

A.5: Because he’s a machista. Do you know what it means? If you do, I don’t have to explain more.

Silence…

Q.6: Have you been there?

A.6: Yes, I have, three times.

Here people usually get really uncomfortable and change the subject. And I usually do it too, because I’m tired of the questions.  Even though I’m white I feel like I am a mix, because I am a mix. And Yes, my father is my father! I’m really tiered of those jokes.

Deal with it; in the end the whole world will be a mix, and race won’t exist.

One birthday and a dead grandmother

My birthday was the 22nd of November, like it is each year. This year while turning 21 my grandmother died. Am I sad? The answer is no. The truth is I only met her twice in my life, once when I was a baby and she taught me how to walk, which I did on my first birthday. The second time was two years ago when I travelled alone to Peru to meet my family, for what felt to me like the first time.  I think she loved seeing me again, but the more I learned about my family the more I learned about why my father became who he is. My grandmother didn’t have a lot of empathy and was very stubborn, like my father.  She didn’t say goodbye to me when I was going back to Norway because I was living with her brother, and they obviously had some unresolved business. I never really liked birthdays anyway. My family has had so many problems that our birthdays were neglected. My mother though always makes the best out of it. She’s always there, my sister too, when the rest of the family doesn’t care. I’m used to not being remembered by my father, he doesn’t bother. I was supposed to be a boy. My last birthday my grandmother gave me a book about a girl that “changed for the better”, and stopped practicing the dangerous art of Yoga and found the way of God. She thinks my travels are dangerous and that I should become a missionary. Because everybody knows that yoga, communism or what ever is sinful. Why can’t family just be supportive?

I wish that someday I will be truly happy for being born, but I guess I’m not there yet. I’ve experienced a lot and I love life now, but the ghosts of my past are still haunting me, and it’s hard to let go and forgive.

A journey

I can say my journey started when I was two years old, that’s when my life changed forever. When I look back now at almost 21 years I’m not bitter anymore. Bitter because I didn’t have a normal childhood. My quest these last couple of months have been to find comfort and a safe harbour within myself. I wrote in one of my earliest posts “You are, therefore am I” and I know now that that is true. I wouldn’t be alive if it hadn’t been for my two companions in this hardship that is life, my mother and sister. We’ve fought, cried, and yelled at each other to get out the demons from our past. I’m lucky to have them. Even though I travel far away I know I have them with me. They’ll support me forever. I’m proud of both of them, because we’ve come so far. Things are beginning to change for the better. And darn it we deserve it!

I love you both!

Self-pity

Rolling around in your own self-pity is the worst thing you can do. It hurts comparing yourself to others, seeing what others have and you don’t. It creates jealousy and evokes sadness. You see their privileges, privileges you never had. It can be upsetting. It’s no good comparing yourself to others. See your life for what it is, and don’t take what you got for granted. Others may have benefits, but it’s their right to enjoy them. A good friend told me this while I was feeling sorry for myself, and only saw the past and didn’t appreciate the present. The present is a gift not an enemy. You should look forward to the future, not get stuck in the past and what’s missing. The only one who can be a safe harbour is you. You’re the only one who can give stability and maintain balance. It might be sad knowing you don’t have someone else to lean on, but it makes you stronger and more confident.